is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize