I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
