you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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