we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Randomize
