Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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