i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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