he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
3pm strippers are depressing
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
