I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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