I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
