I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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