Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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