I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
