We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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