You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
