Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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