I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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