All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
