The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You made out with two different species that night
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
When are your genitals available?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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