Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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