maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
