he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
