Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
