ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
