fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
