I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
