Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
