The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
