I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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