it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
