Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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