Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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