I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
