I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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