My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
