You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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