You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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