Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Can you bring me the toilet please
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
