Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
