yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
