i already hear my dad disowning me
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
