I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
