She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
