I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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