I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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