I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
