He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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