just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i came on her dog
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
