Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
