I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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