my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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