Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Houston, we have a blender
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
