i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
