Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
