i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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