at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
